


what it means to wake up

by crownsandbirds



Series: nanowrimo 2018 [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Implied Sexual Content, Kisses, M/M, Morning After, Power Dynamics, chrollo is amused and arrogant, idk what i wanted with this, illimi is borderline incestuous and hisoka is borderline pedo, killugon is a soft delight like they usually are, kurapika is angry but keeps coming back, lots of those, the phantom troupe is devoted af, you know how those two work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-14 07:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16488110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownsandbirds/pseuds/crownsandbirds
Summary: Killua has quit med school and moved in with Gon while escaping from his brother. Illumi is a sleep-deprived intern who needs to get him back home. Hisoka is amused but would like to get married sooner rather than later. Kurapika is struggling to deal with the fact that he's in a kind-of-relationship with the Linguistics major who killed his mother.College was supposed to be hard, but this is starting to become ridiculous.





	1. something in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> "Chrollo fell back on the bed and stayed there with his eyes closed for a few moments, as if he was bracing himself and gathering some energy to start his day. "One day I'll get you to skip one of your morning classes and sleep in with me."
> 
> "Good luck with that," Kurapika snarled while tying his shoelaces."
> 
> Chrollo's mornings usually look like this.

“Come here.”

Kurapika ignored the rough, sleepy voice coming from the warm bed he had his back turned to as he fumbled around the room for his clothes. 

“Kurapika.”

He still gave no signal whatsoever of having heard the beckoning. Sparing a glance at the window, only half-covered by the blinds, Kurapika shivered inwardly at the idea of facing the early morning cold. He’d arrived last night with only a thin cardigan, since he'd left in a rush and without any rational thoughts in his head, and he wasn't feeling particularly brave right now - at least, not enough to leave with only that as shield against the icy breeze. He stared at the very warm, very heavy black coat on the floor with the kind of irrational jealousy only exhaustion can produce. Specially because he knew first-hand just how damn comfortable it was.

Rustling sounds from the bed. “You can borrow that if you’d like.”

Kurapika closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “No, Chrollo.”

“Why not?”

“I won’t borrow your trademark jacket for my morning class so that everyone on campus knows we're fucking.”

He kept buttoning up his shirt as he tried to pretend Chrollo's little chuckle at his refusal didn't send a shiver down his spine. 

“You're always so rude in the mornings.”  _ and always so pleasant at night _ , whispered the unspoken implication.  

Kurapika’s urge to kill him then was so fierce it made him dizzy. As it was, he just vaguely hummed his displeasure and looked around for his shoes. 

“Do you  _ have _ to leave right now?” Chrollo asked as he sat up on the bed and tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes. “It’s so  _ early _ .” 

“I have an 8am on Fridays. You know this.”

“You could just skip.”

Kurapika turned then, just for a moment, just to glare at Chrollo with all the sheer irritation he felt at that casual off-handed comment. As if everything was easy, as if they could bend all the world around them for no reason other than to indulge in lazy comfort and morning sex. "Stop. Just, stop." 

Chrollo raised his hands in a peace-seeking gesture, his expression trained in the same calm confidence he seemed to feel at all times, even in tired early mornings, and that made him look much older than 20-something years old, despite his messy bed head. “Have breakfast with me and the boys then. We’ll go to that coffee shop you like.”

“Your little psychopath hates that coffee,”  Kurapika pointed out. 

Chrollo smiled, amused, at the choice of words. “I’m sure Feitan can manage not committing mass murder over a cup of coffee.” 

“Well, I’m not sure.”  actually, they both were sure. Feitan, like the rest of them, was as loyal as a dog to his leader. As much as he detested the proposed shop and as much as he absolutely loathed Kurapika and his general existence, he wouldn’t dare to even send a dirty glance his way if his Danchou told him not to. Still, he wasn’t sure if he was feeling energetic or agreeable enough to exchange croissants and brioches with them, or to deal with the righteous anger that would surely come when Chrollo insisted in paying for everything. Besides, Kurapika had indulged once before in those invitations for breakfast, and he’d been promptly convinced to just ignore all the classes he had that day, so it was best not to risk that again. “Plus, I’ll be late if I go. So, no.”

"Hmm." Chrollo didn't seem particularly disappointed. He never seemed particularly affected by anything other than sheer adrenaline, fury or sexual desire. He fell back on the bed and stayed there with his eyes closed for a few moments, as if he was bracing himself and gathering some energy to start his day. "One day I'll get you to skip one of your morning classes and sleep in with me."

"Good luck with that," Kurapika snarled while tying his shoelaces.

The conversation stopped for a few moments while Chrollo lazily browsed his social media and checked his phone for texts and Kurapika made himself a cup of bitter espresso from the little machine kept in the desk at the room. It felt so domestic, like they had built a small slice of life for themselves inside the comfortable bedroom, and Kurapika decided he shouldn’t be there much longer.  

"Come here," Chrollo called for him again after five minutes, sitting up on the bed again and stretching his arms over his head. He regarded Kurapika with that careful glint in his eyes, filled with desire and amusement. “I want a good morning kiss.”  

“Are you physically incapable of saying the word  _ please _ ?”

Chrollo shrugged, a contented little smile on his lips. The meaning of that careless gesture was evident:  _ I don't usually have any need to use it. _

It irritated Kurapika out of his mind.

" _ Stop _ ordering me around. I'm not one of your trigger-happy, brainless subordinates who obey your every whim, and who would fall to their knees and suck your dick if you so much as looked at them, and you can't make me into one of them."

The atmosphere in the room turned as cold as the icy weather waiting for them outside. Chrollo straightened his back and the glint in his irises would appear nearly indifferent, if it weren’t for the obvious anger weighing on the frown between his eyebrows.

"Leave, then,” he threw Kurapika’s cardigan to him. “We'll talk later."

Kurapika knew he'd crossed a line, but he also knew he was far too tired to deal with that right now, so he just took his messenger bag and slung it over his shoulder. He glanced at Chrollo for a second, only to see him busy with choosing his clothes for the day, and didn't bother with a goodbye as he left through the door. 

-

Feitan and Shalnark arrived around ten minutes later to get a ride with Chrollo for uni. They lived close by, enough to be able walk to his apartment and meet him in the rare mornings when they hadn’t slept over with him. Usually he liked having his friends on his sight at all times, and they crashed at his place more often than not, except for the nights in which Kurapika decided he wanted to do more useful activities with all his self-righteous anger and lust disguised as hatred. 

Chrollo’s apartment was no luxurious castle - he’d rather invest more money in his ever-growing personal library and in the house he kept just on the outskirts of town for him and his troupe, where they spent most of their breaks and some weekends when they could spare two or three days, and from where they ran part of their most illegal business. 

Still, everyone was fond of the three-bedroom, one-bathroom place, with books piled up everywhere, a constant smell of fresh coffee and an endless stock of warm blankets; and he adored having them over, loved ruffling Feitan’s hair as soon as he woke up just to witness his inner battle between being obedient and agreeable for his Danchou and biting his hand off for the insolence, loved waking up to see Shal had already made coffee for all of them the precise way they liked, loved the calming feeling he got when he saw Machi calmly planning out her day and getting started on homework with notebooks spread around his kitchen table. 

_ I'm not one of your trigger-happy, brainless subordinates who obey your every whim. _

His upper lip curled momentarily in distaste at the reminder of Kurapika’s insult, but he again trained his facial expression into something more relaxed, shrugged his coat on and grabbed his bag, the book he was currently reading and his car keys to leave. 

Outside, he was greeted with the familiar sight of Shalnark’s lilac hoodie and his bright, ever-present smile. “Good morning, Danchou!” 

It was impossible not to smile back, and Chrollo wasn’t one not to give in to his indulgences. “Good morning, Shal, Fei. Shall we?” 

Feitan nodded and got up from where he’d been sitting on the couch near the empty reception desk of the building. He looked smaller than ever, wrapped up in a scarf covering half his face and a black coat, hands tucked inside his pockets - his eyes, though, were sharp as ever, staring at Chrollo with that constant mixture of admiration and devotion he saw shine so beautifully in the expressions of his friends. 

_ … not one of your trigger-happy, brainless subordinates who obey your every whim, and who would fall to their knees and suck your dick if you so much as looked at them… _

Shalnark had already gotten inside, having claimed shotgun years ago, back when they'd stolen the car. Chrollo put an arm in front of Feitan as he was trying to enter the car. “Feitan.”

His  _ small psychopath  _ looked up at him, the height difference always so present, and his cheeks were slightly tinted pink over the scarf at how close their faces were. 

“Yes, Danchou?” his voice was rough and sounded a bit nervous and Chrollo had to smile.

“Kurapika didn't give me a good morning kiss today.”

The murderous, hateful glint that covered Feitan's irises then was so quick to appear and so absolutely sincere it would have made a lesser man take a careful step back. “I don't like him.” 

“I know you don’t.” Chrollo stepped closer and wrapped an arm around Feitan's waist. “I want one.”

As if Chrollo's words shaped in a casual demand were invisible strings tied around his body, Feitan relaxed against his chest and put his arms around his neck and beautifully allowed Chrollo to lower the scarf he was wearing and bring him in for a kiss. 

Feitan was bloodthirsty and sadistic down to his bones, their resident man for the hardest, meanest jobs; indifferent when in a good mood and downright cruel when in a bad mood. He was ferociously smart and presented himself as a threat and a force to be reckoned with at all times, and he clinged to Chrollo and whimpered at having his lower lip bitten and gasped when a hand trailed down towards his thigh.

Feitan was the most touch-deprived person he’d ever met and, therefore, the most touch-starved, which meant he was gorgeously responsive in the way he arched his back, tilted his head, stood on his tiptoes and moaned quietly for every little thing. Chrollo wanted to take both him and Shalnark back inside and ignore his classes for the day and let himself enjoy his time with two people who loved him more than anything, two parts of his beautiful, adored web of spiders.

He would break them and build them up again with no one but himself as a witness and it would be a wonderful way to spend his morning.

But he couldn't skip his 10am class anymore and he knew Feitan had a test later that day. So he gently pulled back, and Feitan answered to that so quickly, taking a step back and lowering his hands as if he’d been rejected, Chrollo held his hand again and pressed a series of soft kisses on the corner of his lips and a last one on his forehead before letting him go.

Feitan was shivering a bit still, his lips red and wet, looking up at Chrollo like he'd fallen in love all over again. It wasn’t their first kiss, far from it - personal privacy wasn’t something any of them in the troupe valued terribly much, and even someone as covered in metaphorical barbed wire as Feitan wasn’t free from random demonstrations of affection or physical intimacy - but every single time he reacted as if it was the first time he’d ever been touched by another human being, as if he’d just realized he would never love someone as much as he loved Danchou. 

It was gorgeous. 

“Okay?” he asked kindly as he moved to open the driver’s door for himself. 

Feitan nodded, licking his lips and breathing deeply for a moment before managing enough presence of mind to get inside the car. Chrollo waited until he had settled in the backseat before inserting the key on the ignition. Before turning it, though, he realized Shalnark was watching him intently from his seat. 

“What is it, Shal?”  he smiled at the strong blush that immediately graced his pale features. “Do you want one too?”

It was kind of a cruel question, because he knew his friends wouldn’t dare to lie to him, or to ignore a question presented by him. Shalnark twisted his hands on his lap. “...Yes.”

“Okay. Ask me.”

“Can I - can I please have a kiss?”

“Of course,”  he said and turned in his seat to take Shalnark’s face between his hands and kiss the embarrassment out of him. Shalnark always kissed softer and slower, as if he was still astounded for having been granted permission - there was a kind of resigned, happy devotion in the way he moved his lips against Chrollo’s, so different from Feitan’s hungry adoration or Kurapika’s sensual anger.

“I’m so lucky,” he murmured into the kiss and didn’t allow Shalnark to protest against what he surely thought to be heresy. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket but he kept tasting Shalnark’s mouth until he was satisfied and with his mind pleasantly blank before pulling back carefully. It was lovely to see Shalnark collapse on the passenger’s seat, smiling as if he couldn’t stop himself, fingers touching his lips as if trying to capture that feeling on the palm of his hand. 

He turned the ignition and then moved to check his phone. A text from Kurapika. 

_ I’m sorry for insulting your friends.  _

_ Sorry for killing your mother,  _ Chrollo thought about saying, but he wasn’t sorry, not really. He didn’t care much about people outside of his troupe, Kurapika being the only exception to appear in years. So he wasn’t sorry. Instead, he just typed,  _ it’s okay. Same time next week?  _

_ We’ll see _ , the grey bubble winked back at him. 


	2. like a tiny bit of light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Illumi took a sip of his wine, let the liquid swirl on his tongue before swallowing it. "Something happened."
> 
> "What happened?"
> 
> "Killua is gone.""
> 
> Illumi has to do damage control. Killua finally finds the guts to leave.

"I want something to drink," Illumi said at last, not bothering to move from his very comfortable spot taking up the entire space of Hisoka's bed.

Hisoka paused in his movements of picking up the clothes they'd carelessly dropped on the floor on their haste to shove each other at the mattress and straightened his back, staring at him for a moment. It was quite dark in the room, with only a yellow lamp on the bedside table turned on, and the shadows made Hisoka's near-golden eyes shine in a very particular way Illumi didn't feel like looking away from. "You never drink on weekdays."

It was one of their little rules. They never met for sex during the afternoon, they weren't allowed to simply barge at the other's place, they  _ could not _ see other people (a rule hastily set into place after a series of near-murders, which wouldn't have looked proper for Illumi as a future surgeon), Hisoka always picked the songs and Illumi never drank on weekdays because he had to wake up so early every morning. 

Illumi wasn't raised a rebel, and he most definitely wasn't raised a rulebreaker. He had a schedule and a way of going through his routine, like a mercilessly efficient clock that works perfectly even during winter days. Even if Hisoka's personal goal in life was to wreak havoc in that perfect structure as much as possible, it took the end of the world to make him even consider going about his life in a slightly different way than first planned. 

He turned his head this way and that on Hisoka's pillow, unconsciously searching for their combined scents; Hisoka's strong, slightly feminine cologne and the smell of his own expensive vanilla shampoo. "I want a glass of wine."

A chuckle. "Of course you do."

Illumi lazily shifted and turned to lie on his stomach, propped up by his elbows, so he could regard Hisoka with his big, black eyes, half-hidden by his eyelashes. 

His trouble got him long, familiar fingers reaching for his silky curtain of black hair and playing with the strands for a few seconds. He fought the urge not to lean into the touch, but Hisoka grinned at him anyway, tugged at one strand painfully just to see Illumi frown, and let him go. "Fine. I'm gonna get it for us. Any particular request? You know what I have."

Illumi shrugged.  _ You know what I like. _

Hisoka looked at him then in that way he did sometimes, as if he loved Illumi so much he couldn't decide whether he wanted to kill him or to die by his hands. Illumi fought the urge to touch his engagement ring, just to avoid giving his fiancé the satisfaction. Still, Hisoka's eyes slid down to the silver band and he smiled for a moment before turning to leave the room and grab the promised wine bottle and glasses in the kitchen. 

Illumi took the opportunity to finally get up from the bed and get himself together at least to an acceptable degree. He didn't bother with looking for the clothes he'd been wearing when he arrived - he would search for his white coat in the morning, his bag was somewhere in the living room and who knew where his shoes were. It was easier to enter Hisoka's awfully large closet and make use of the couple of shirts he kept there for himself, as a matter of convenience ever since they started dating. He didn't sleep over often, because of his morning shifts and because of Killua, but they had been spending more and more time together after their engagement, and it was better having a change of outfit there than bringing one in his bag every single time.

_ Killua. _ Illumi paused for a second while putting on his shirt.  _ Oh, Killu. _

The chime of two glasses knocking together drew his attention back to the situation at hand. 

"You know," Hisoka said while opening the bottle with the practiced ease of someone who'd obviously been doing that for a long time. "I miss the times where you'd just wear my shirts. But I suppose it's also interesting to see you using the space in the closet I offered you."

Illumi hummed in lieu of an answer and reached for one of the glasses, and not even his cold, calculating mind could ignore the little sound his engagement ring made when it clinked against the stem of the wine glass. He wondered if one day he would get used to it.

Hisoka's music taste was kind of fascinating, Illumi considered as he watched the other sway his hips absentmindedly at the sound of Queen's  _ Under Pressure _ playing on the background. It was completely eclectic and borderline chaotic, to the point where it was downright impossible to predict which song would play next. Tonight, it seemed as if he was favoring good classic rock. 

"So, what brought this on?" Hisoka asked after touching their glasses together in silent _cheers. _

"I need to relax and think, and I get to indulge in a small hangover tomorrow since we don't have classes." Illumi took a sip of his wine, let the liquid swirl on his tongue before swallowing it. "Something happened." 

"What happened?"

"Killua is gone."

Illumi looked inside to see the wine reflecting the yellow light of the bedside lamp. It was astounding how much the idea of going home and not seeing his little brother hurt. He never knew he could feel this much pain and frustration because of another human being, or because of anything at all. Wasn't that precisely why he'd been given the responsibility of looking after him during his college years? He was supposed to be efficient and careful, and to keep an eye on his younger brother.

He felt like a failure. 

"What do you  _ mean _ , Killua is gone? How did that even happen? You're  _ literally _ the world's most doting big brother."

_ I know,  _ Illumi wanted to scream. _ I know, I know I never let him out of my sight, and I know it's all my fault - _

He took a deep breath and another sip. "Tuesday, I slept over here because my shift at the hospital ran too late. He took his things and left. He hasn't been attending any of his classes since."

"Any idea where he might be? Do your parents know?"

"Yes, I told Father. Mother is going insane but there's not much they can do from home. And we don't have any ideas so far. He has money and he's smart _ ," that's how I raised him to be, _ "so, in theory, he could be anywhere." 

Hisoka sat down on the bed next to him and downed a large portion of his glass. "Couldn't he be at a friend's place?"

Illumi turned to him in disbelief. "Killu doesn't  _ have _ any friends." 

"Might be; you Zolydcks are antisocial by nature. But - and I don't mean to offend, my love - if he had he definitely wouldn't tell you of all people."

Illumi considered that. "Hmmm. You could be right. In either case, could you ask around? I'm going to talk to his teachers."

"Sure." Hisoka leaned over, careful not to drop his wine, and grabbed the phone he'd abandoned on the floor a few hours ago. "I'll text Danchou too. Maybe he knows something, and he owes me a favor or two. Besides, Killua's a Zoldyck, so he draws attention to himself no matter what."

Illumi finished his glass and reached for the bottle to fill it up again. "Thanks, Hisoka."

"No problem, beautiful." Hisoka put Illumi's hair behind his ear to press a kiss on the edge of his jaw. "I'll help you find my favorite brother-in-law, and then you can go back to overprotecting him and obsessing over his future in a very unhealthy way." another kiss, closer to the corner of his lips. "Are you sleeping over tonight?" 

"I suppose. Tomorrow's saturday and Killu's not home anyway." Illumi got up and stretched before taking the hairband he kept around his wrist and putting up his hair in a ponytail. "C'mon, I'll help you with dinner." 

Hisoka lazily pulled at his ponytail. “I thought you washed your hair on Friday nights. You can use my shampoo.”

"You’re absolutely deluded if you think I would put my hair near any one of those monstrosities you call products.”

Hisoka threw his head back and laughed, and then took Illumi's hand and kissed his engagement ring. "I love you too. We're getting married when Killua comes home."

Illumi didn't feel like letting him know he agreed with the idea, so he just turned his back on him and left the bedroom to get started on their dinner. 

-

When Killua arrived at Gon's place, it was nearing midnight, his shoulders ached with the weight of his bag containing most of his belongings, and he strongly felt the urge to cry. 

He'd spent most of his day after Illumi had left for the hospital killing time on the local coffee shop, then he'd gotten paranoid at the idea of bumping into his older brother during his lunch break, so he'd rushed to the bookstore, and then, after it had closed for the day, he'd idly walked around the campus trying to find enough courage to knock on Gon's door. 

It was a rational matter, he argued with himself as he looked around at the small, simple corridor where his friend's apartment was located, so different from the coldly luxurious place he shared with his brother. He didn't have anywhere else to go, sleeping in a hotel was risky because his father could have access to his credit card expenses, and he would rather go to hell than to go back home again. Illumi had no idea who Gon was, so that would make it harder to track him down at least for a few days, and Gon's other friends were discreet enough and would have no interest in telling on him. 

Still, his hand shook a bit when he knocked. 

The door opened in a rush, and Gon was in front of him in a second, looking at him with those earnest, big brown eyes, so different from the endless cold obsession inside Illumi's. 

It felt like there was life being reborn inside his eyes.

"Oh, Killua!" Gon said with the brightest smile in the world, so bright Killua nearly looked away. "It's so late, is everything okay?"

"I'm - I'm doing it," Killua sputtered, fingers clutching tighter the straps of his backpack. "I'm quitting med school." 

"Oh my God, are you serious?!" Gon gasped as if those were the best news he'd heard all year, his hands flying to grip Killua's shoulders. "I'm so happy! Now you can finally decide what you want to do!"

"Yeah..." Killua said, head dropping forward a bit at how relieved he was, how tired and how  _ relieved.  _ "Yeah, that's - that's it. But I kinda need a place to stay for a few days, just until I figure out something so..."

"You can stay here!" Gon exclaimed excitedly before pulling him inside and closing the door behind them. "For as long as you want!"

"Are you sure, I don't wanna bother, I-"

"I'm sure! It'll be like a sleepover everyday, it'll be awesome! I have a twin bed so you don't even have to sleep on the couch!" Gon said while taking Killua's bag off his shoulders and pushing him to sit down on said couch. His apartment was small, much smaller than the one Killua shared with his brother, but it was cozy and lived-in, with pictures everywhere: Gon and his aunt Mito and godfather Kite, his friends Kurapika and Leorio dozing off in the library on exam week, and even one of with Killua himself, the two doing silly things during biochem class. It felt like a place where someone could build a real home. 

Killua felt the urge to cry again. 

"Why can't you stay in your own place, though?" Gon asked then, and Killua shook his head immediately. 

"My family is crazy and my brother is completely insane." he intended to never allow Gon and Illumi, or, as a matter of fact, anyone in his family, in the same vicinity as each other. With the exception of Alluka, if he ever managed to get her out of their awful family home. "They'll flip when they find out I'm quitting med school."

"Oh, that's sad. Well, I support you, no matter what you decide to do! I was in the middle of a game, want to play too? Since we don't have class tomorrow and all."

Killua imagined sleeping in for the first time in forever, waking up without having to study for next week's anatomy test, spending the night playing dumb videogames with his best friend, and smiled with true, heartfelt relief for the first time since he'd started college. 

"Yes!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the entire zoldyck family is composed of extremely successful doctors;  
> illumi is a med student in his last year, so he's doing intern work at the hospital;  
> hisoka is a theater major who once took biochem just because and thats how he met illumi;  
> now they've been engaged for a year or so?  
> gon is a biology major who took biochem with killua and thats how they met;  
> killua is (was) a 1st year med student; who knows what he'll do now

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda crazy and idk what my point was when i was writing  
> i'll continue it tho i have plans for more characters and i do wanna give a background for everyone  
> no promises about updates.


End file.
